As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
where do you see yourself in five years?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.