Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
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*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Dolls on drugs
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
just pretend nothing happened
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say