*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
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If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?