I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
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tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
🤣🤣💀