Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
that de-escalated quickly
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.