Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
3% human
97% stress
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.