me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
You Might Also Like
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register