4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Look at this
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.