Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Where is your GOD now????