DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
You Might Also Like
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
the three branches of government
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader