[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”