I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she āonly eats farm-to-table,ā and has ānever felt better.ā
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Always trust a glue salesmanā¦
They tend to stick to their word.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
when i was a kid we didnāt play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Menās underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said āWeāre finally empty nesters. Letās start travelingā.
In the spirit of āCancel Cultureā so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. š
Tell her āI love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. Iād love to see them every dayā
Perhaps whisper the āin a jar beside my bedā part though
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
If life was fair, piƱatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
iām the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
canāt wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again