Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
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I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
no such thing as a dumb question
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke