Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I put the hot in psychotic.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.