me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
SCARY COSTUME
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.