2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
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*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
No regrets in 2018
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.