A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Netflix: We have Less
me after drinking all the wine:
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend