This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
absolute chaos
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
This anagram machine is out of order.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
When libraries troll their patrons.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.