I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
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Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I can fix him.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
i’m sure it’s fine
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”