Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.