Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Lassie, get help!
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”