I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
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I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *