Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
me refusing to leave twitter
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.