My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel