Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Only a mother’s love …
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I camp so other people don’t have to.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.