Me: how are you
Friday: good
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet