I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
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Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
*serious situation*
My brain:
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
cause of death:
autopsy.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
SF is the wild wild west man