Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
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[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame