GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?