Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
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me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Oh, I bet you would be
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt