Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
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[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.