Always.
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My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Mmmm canned fish.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.