[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok