If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
You Might Also Like
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
There is no try. There is only give up.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE