When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.