Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.