If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
a lot to unpack here
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.