Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.