Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
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I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
🌱🌱🌱
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.