If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
#NeverForget
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…