Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
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It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Rt to bother an English speaker
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.