I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
beware of dog
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
lol
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?