Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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If you鈥檙e ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we鈥檝e attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here鈥檚 your T.V. remote back
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I鈥檓 their teacher.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Hey Fugeddaboutit
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Romance isn鈥檛 dead it鈥檚 just playing happily on a farm up north.
We鈥檝e run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
“You want me to do what?!”馃ぃ
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I鈥檓 married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I鈥檒l open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
鈽狅笍鈽狅笍鈽狅笍
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise