“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Traveler’s camo
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.