Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Truth
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