my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.