Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
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Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
So inspired right now.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?