I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
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Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
We avoided this particular disaster
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.