It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?