“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes